Robin Williams Quotes

George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words.

I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home?

I've always thought George Carlin was brilliant.

Heaven and hell are something that people create to make some people feel guilty and other people like myself laugh.

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'

Oh, I was not made for heaven. No, I don't want to go to heaven. Hell is much better. Think of all the interesting people you're going to meet down there!

The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me.

Like a frog, the aphorist waits for something to fly by that he can catch with his tongue.

The U.S. continues the search for Osama bin Laden. Reports suggest that bin Laden is most likely hiding out somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theaters showing the movie 'Glitter.'

Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'

A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.

I had a friend who had two degrees of being made up: when invited I would say 'Can I make up?' and he would say 'Oh yes - tinted?', or he would say, 'Oh yes - clotted?'

LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

The Bible puts forth a strong case for no free will and that's a real problem you know, because the justification for supposedly being punished after death is that you had free will. If you didn't have free will and you did what God predetermined, then how can he punish you?"

It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

Humor wades across a brook, wit jumps over it.

Punning is an art of harmonious jingling upon words, which, passing in at the ears, excites a titillary motion in those parts; and this, being conveyed by the animal spirits into the muscles of the face, raises the cockles of the heart.

Here it is,' Nigel said. Mrs D, Mrs I, Mrs FFI, Mrs C, Mrs U, Mrs LTY. That spells difficulty.' How perfectly ridiculous!' snorted Miss Trunchbull. 'Why are all these women married?

Michele Bachmann... I'm not going to say it. I'm not going to say it.... Tutti-frutti. I know I'm going to get in trouble!

I came upon a telegram from Eleanor Roosevelt herself to Gypsy Rose Lee that read, 'May your bare ass always be shining'. That was the clincher; I had to write about this woman.

Pennsylvania, the state that has produced two great men: Benjamin Franklin of Massachusetts, and Albert Gallatin of Switzerland.

If there were no hell, we would be like the animals. No hell, no dignity.

I'd rather go to hell than be in purgatory...