BRIAN CELIO

I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home?

I'll take a redrum with a rellik please.

Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life.

What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found?

Love becomes logically true when lost but still sought from the same source.

Individuality or Unity? I say there's room for both.

Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both.

A government full of Democrats would rather have you be a Republican, and a government full of Republicans would rather have you be a Democrat, than have you oppose both.

Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart.

Don't hate me 'cause I'm booed a fool!

Don't hate me 'cause I'm booed a fool!

As much as it hurts, I would rather miss someone than hit someone.

A government full of Democrats would rather have you be a Republican, and a government full of Republicans would rather have you be a Democrat, than have you oppose both.

I write my own quotes. Except this one. I obviously stole this from somebody really clever.

What's love if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get back once lost? What's hate if not the thing you'll do anything and everything to get rid of once found?

Don't hate the word, playa; hate the dictionary.

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

You might not be able to stomach it, but as long as you can mind it, your heart will be all right.

Dear disgruntled artists: the key to success isn't kicking down the door; it's building your own.

Individuality or Unity? I say there's room for both.

Get tough: don't work under pressure; work over pressure.

Maybe the best way to get people to be pro-life is to start 'em off in amateur-life.

Technology forced me to divorce a pixie and remarry a pixel.

Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart.

Some people put up a peace sign with one hand. Some people put up the middle finger instead. I use two hands and put up both.

I wonder: when a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to Heaven, does God hide behind the door and pretend He's not home?

He has your finger, but I have your heart.

Just because you're scarred for life doesn't mean you should be scared to live.

The only way to get under me is to get over yourself.

Just because you're upfront with someone doesn't mean you're an honest person; you might just be someone in the passenger seat.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to understand the work of James Joyce; James Joyce needs to understand the work of Chuck Norris.

True friends: only a few have 'em, but only a few will admit that they don't.

Love becomes logically true when lost but still sought from the same source.

I imagine the life of an atheistic praying mantis to be rather torturous.

I'll take a redrum with a rellik please.