David Letterman Quotes

The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood.

Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'

It's always fun to put fake celebrities in unlikely situations, but somehow it's even more fun when politicians are involved.

Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.

Lord Tyrawley and I have been dead these two years, but we don't choose to have it known.

Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them.

The U.S. continues the search for Osama bin Laden. Reports suggest that bin Laden is most likely hiding out somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theaters showing the movie 'Glitter.'

What wasdat, sir? What wazzat sir? What wassat, sir?” “Wayne, what are you babbling about?” Waxillium asked. “Practicing my pretzel guy,” Wayne said. “He had a great accent...” Waxillium glanced at him. "That hat looks ridiculous.” “Fortunately, I can change hats,” Wayne said in the pretzel-guy accent, “while you, sir, are stuck with that face.

Gary, who's wearing a coral shirt and white pants, growls to look tough. It doesn't work.

We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton.

Think of something to make the ridiculous look ridiculous.

It is the business of a comic poet to paint the vices and follies of human kind.

Comedy is what happens when you cross the dateline from the unbearable. Things become so unbearable they become a joke.

The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling the 'Star Spangled Banner', but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish.

Smart writers never understand why their satires on our town are never successful. What they refuse to accept is that you can't satirize a satire.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

If satire is to be effective, the audience must be aware of the thing satirized.

Sometimes presenting the most ignorant point of view can be the best way to satirize the issue and highlight that ignorance.

Mockery when done without prejudice or discretion, can be a form of respect. It's the closest we'll ever come to true equality.

Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves.

Humor is just truth, only faster!

The only good imitations are those that poke fun at bad originals.

I almost wish we would've filmed a whole fake tampon commercial around ["I'm With Her"].

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.