Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

A young lady went into a bookstore and asked the clerk for Irving Stone's book, "Immoral Wife." The title is "Immortal Wife," the clerk replied. "I'll get it for you." Oh, please don't bother, If that's the correct name of the book, I don't think I'd care for it. I had something else in mind.

As long as we love, we lend to the beloved object qualities of mind and heart which we deprive him of when the day of misunderstanding arrives.

Traditional religions practices are important.They allow us to share with others the communal experience of adoration and prayer,but we must never forget spiritual experience is above all a practical experience of love,and with love,there are no rules some may try to control their emotions and develop strategies for their behavior,others may turn to reading books of advice from "experts" on relationships but this is all folly.The heart decides and what it decides is all that really matters.

What am I going to do with you? Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!

Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good-night.

What do you mean it wasn't anything? Didn't the earth move or the planets align or something? -Rose to Lissa on sleeping with Aaron

Marriage is commonly a meal wherein the soup is better than the desert.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

We fell in love quickly. We got married very quickly. It didn't work out the way we wanted it to. There's nothing more to it.

When choosing sexual partners, remember: Talent is not sexually transmittable.

marriage is when a man stops disappointing many women and focuses on disappointing one!

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

This is a funny story. We'd asked the guards every day for cappuccino. You know, just as a joke. And they'd come in with their cups of coffee and stuff. And so I get here and I have a spot for a cappuccino machine, and it didn't work. So I don't have any cappuccino ... I didn't miss the cappuccino, I missed the idea of cappuccino.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

A love affair should always be a honeymoon. And the only way to make sure of that is to keep changing the man; for the same man can never keep it up.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

These things end,” she said. “They always end. Nobody marries their first love. First love is just that. First. It’s implied that something else will follow.

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.