Chelsea Handler Quotes

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

The decline of the aperitif may well be one of the most depressing phenomena of our time.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

We have a drinking game in Australia, it's called drinking.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."

One night in Tokyo we watched two Japanese businessmen saying good-night to each other after what had clearly been a long night of drinking, a major participant sport in Japan. These men were totally snockered, having reached the stage of inebriation wherein every air molecule that struck caused them to wobble slightly, but they still managed to behave more formally than Americans do at funerals.

I had a couple of decent laughs on Townies, but for the most part, delivering a joke that you just know is not funny is hard.

The English have a miraculous power of turning wine into water.

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.

Following his doctor's orders, Nikita (Khrushchev) has cut his drinking in half. He's leaving out the water.

I do partake in a couple of drinks now and again, but I've never drank to feel alive.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I'm going to open another vottle. not a vottle, but a bottle. you open it and I'll drink it. and you try to write as much as I did without falling off of your chair.

I have often thought that the aim of port is to give you a good and durable hangover, so that during the next day you should be reminded of the splendid occasion the night before.

[I normally go-to] whiskey on the rocks. Or a beer. Or with dinner, a glass of white wine.

Booze takes a lot of time and effort if you're going to do a good job with it.

There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike... dances with wildlife.