Jim Jefferies Quotes

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

I'm not a heavy drinker, I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

He who drinks Australian thinks Australian.

If you're not drinkin', then you're not playin'

I like to have a martini/Two at the very most/After three I'm under the table/After four I'm under my host.

May I suggest a drinking game where everytime I do a ridiculously long awkward blink, someone does a shot of some kind of alcohol?

Drinking is in reality an occupation which employs a considerable portion of the time of many people; and to conduct it in the most rational and agreeable manner is one of the great arts of living.

There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.

I have often thought that the aim of port is to give you a good and durable hangover, so that during the next day you should be reminded of the splendid occasion the night before.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."

Drinking is the soldier's pleasure.

I was hanging out and drinking as long as I could afford it, or as long as somebody else could afford it.

Whatever the occasion, do not neglect alcohol. No other refreshment will do. Yes, alcohol kills brain cells, but it's very selective. It only kills the brain cells that contain good sense, shame, embarrassment, and restraint.

If you find an Australian indoors, it's a fair bet that he will have a glass in his hand.

If I was drunk, I wouldn’t be here at all. And really, this is pretty good for four White Russians.” “White what?” I almost sat down but was afraid the chair might dematerialize beneath me. “It’s a drink,” he said. “You’d think I wouldn’t be into something named that—you know, considering my own personal experience with Russians. But they’re surprisingly delicious. The drinks, not real Russians.

You can't have a Russian household without vodka. It's just something to wash everything down with. I can't remember a time when I didn't drink vodka, either in Russia or here. I don't think there's ever a wrong time to start drinking it. My ancestors drank it, and if I ever have any children, they'll be drinking it.

I like to go to the frat house and drink with my white friends, because anytime you go drinking at the frat house, white boys bring you a drink and hand it to you like it's a top CIA secret. They'll hand me my drink, and I'll go, 'Man, what the hell is in this?' 'Dude, don't worry. Don't ask, just drink it. I'll see you in 20 minutes.' Next thing you know, I'm buck naked, standing on a coffee table, with a cowboy hat.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

There cannot be good living where there is not good drinking.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Trumpets are a bit more adventurous; they're drunk! Trumpeters are generally drunk. It wets their whistle.

That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.

I don’t drink to get drunk. That’s just not cute.

Early rising is no pleasure; early drinking's just the measure.