Mitch Hedberg Quotes

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.

More fun than a frog in a glass of milk.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

That woman in the shampoo commercial - she's happy. She's... she's too happy.

My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

Let's be honest, this is a consumer based economy in America. That's all we manufacture here is need and appetite. We are the world's mouth. They make things in other countries, and they're like, 'Send it to America; they'll eat it.'

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

People who can’t see without glasses should wear them.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"