Terry Pratchett Quotes

Gentlemen, include me out.

The presence of irony does not necessarily mean that the earnestness is excluded. Only assistant professors assume that.

I never said nothing..." "I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!

Irony is the bringing together of two contradictory truths and to make out of the contradiction a new truth, with a laugh or a smile.

I've noticed that when people are joking they're usually dead serious, and when they're serious, they're usually pretty funny.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I'm still an atheist, thank God.

Thank God, I am still an atheist.

I'm a jokester, so when I was joking on Twitter, it kinda rubbed people the wrong way. And I was like, I didn't make these up. I'm just letting you know they're there.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

We've got a lot of experience of not having any experience

I couldn't possibly have become a member of this Institute, you know, if I hadn't organized it myself.

The Schnauzer listens to jazz. I listen to jazz because he likes it, and I have even gone to jazz concerts with him, but truthfully I would rather listen to retarded children pounding on pan lids with wooden spoons.

I'm just sayin', I don't like fun.

He liked to fish; he seemed to take pride in being able to like such a stupid occupation.

Irony: Don't let yourself be controlled by it, especially during uncreative moments.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

Irony is the attendant of hope and the fuel of hope is innocence.

Likewise, I would never be so rude as to not interrupt a friend. How else would she know I was listening?

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

Hey, have you heard that one about the difference between me, Wit, and my loutish cousin, Hilarity? No? Okay, so I walk into a bar, you see, very unassuming, and order a martini. Then the bartender, Hilarity, hauls off and squirts me in the face with a seltzer bottle, ruining my n ice new camel hair suit, dousing my monocle and my watch fob, soaking my cravat. So, do I let him have what for, and blow my top? I do not. I simply say: Sorry, I believe I said 'very dry'.

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

I'm in a class by myself, along with people like Rod Stewart.