Jewel Quotes

This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee.

Aerial flight is one of that class of problems with which men will never have to cope.

I quit flying myself last year and that was difficult for me because I enjoy it as much as playing golf. It was an adjustment sitting in the back of the plane, rather than at the controls, but I've grown accustomed to it and enjoy reading a book, doing some work or challenging my wife to a game of dominos.

A lot of my humor does come from anger. It's like, you're not gonna pull one over on me - which is pretty much my motto anyways.

I think I've been called edgy - but in all honesty, there is a safety in what I do because I'm always the idiot. Unless you're just listening to buzz words and not taking into account the context of the situation, you see I'm always the ignoramus.

There are two types of people in the world: those who think everyone needs therapy, and those who have never been.

You know the best thing about aeroplanes? Apart from the peanuts in little silver bags, I mean. It's looking out of the windows at the clouds and thinking maybe I could go walking in there. Maybe it's a special place where everything's okay. Sometimes I do go walking in the clouds but it's just cold and wet and empty. But when you look out of a plane it's a special world... and I like it.

After a moment, he turned sharply to me. 'Are you quite all right?' 'Yes, perfectly. Why do you ask?' 'Because I have just called you contrary and you did not bother to contradict me. I thought you might be ill.

How ya doin'?' I always think, What kind of a question is that?, and I always reply, 'A bit early to tell.

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

Some men are like musical glasses; to produce their finest tones you must keep them wet.

My worst flight was flying between Macau and Osaka in 2007. The turbulence was so bad that the cabin crew were assuming their crash positions. I had more than a bit of a sweat on.

I never thought of that before! It's my opinion that you never think at all.

I usually don't think of anyone ever suspecting that I might be someone who'd cry at stuff. I cry at movies all the time. And sometimes it really pisses me off because I hate it when they're just jerking my chain and it's just like completely manipulative.

Reader, if you are gifted with nerves like mine, aspire to any character but that of a wit.

Cute? I think my testosterone level just dropped - Ranger

Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.

I think I have a good sense of humor, but I'm not, like, a joke-teller. I get the jokes, which is sometimes half the battle. Believe me, I have no idea why anyone hires me.

Luce: But I thought you said I should stay away from the hard cases. Arriane: Rule number two — don't listen to me!

I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake." "Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?

When I said they'd scored two goals, of course I meant they'd scored one.

I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.

I have often said that the lure of flying is the lure of beauty. That the reasons flyers fly, whether they know it or not, is the aesthetic appeal of flying.

If she was going to die, she might as well die sarcastic.