Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

My favorite go-to modeling move was called "Be hungry." That was it. You just stand there, and be hungry. And that's all I have to say about the modeling industry.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

I don't do anything or have any magical secret or something, other than drinking baby's blood, of course.

My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

These people were not only cheering, they were throwing flowers and hats. The hats were made of stone, but the thought was there.

My wife is a saint. She's Gandhi. She walks around in diapers and won't eat.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I do not spoil women. ... I don't send them flowers and gifts. . . . I'm saving those gestures until I am an unpleasant old man who must resort to bribery to win a woman's synthetic affections.

Rose, nothing in this world could make me hate you." "Not even trying to bring my ex-boyfriend back from the dead?

Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.

I’m not certain you’d know the right sort of man for you if he arrived on our doorstep riding an elephant.” “I would think the elephant would be a fairly good indication that I ought to look elsewhere.

My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

Humour is the describing the ludicrous as it is in itself; wit is the exposing it, by comparing or contrasting it with something else. Humour is, as it were, the growth of nature and accident; wit is the product of art and fancy.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

Laughing at someone else is an excellent way of learning how to laugh at oneself; and questioning what seem to be the absurd beliefs of another group is a good way of recognizing the potential absurdity of many of one's own cherished beliefs.