J. D. Salinger Quotes

It's great extremes which leads to great drama and great comedy.

At Christmas our house is like a Donnie and Marie Christmas Special.

It's this simple law, which every writer knows, of taking two opposites and putting them in a room together. I love anything with Cartman and Butters at the same time, it's great.

When I was a child, I was living in the housing projects of Philadelphia. I didn't even have a Christmas tree.

Sarcasm doesn't translate in print at all.

I'm Italian and we curse a lot when we talk.

My joke is that my father was a minister and my mother was an English teacher, so I'm trained to see the world in terms of symbols, which is hard when you just want to make toast.

You had to learn at a certain age what sarcasm is, you know?

Cussing ain't for everybody.

What's so useful about the British culture of politeness is the level of passive aggression is really fun to write.

I told my children, 'I don't like children.'

Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.

Oh, I'm sorry," Chubs said, 'apparently the middle of my sentence interrupted the beginning of yours. Do continue.

The Boy with Nails in His Eyes put up his aluminum tree. It looked pretty strange because he couldn't really see.

Didn't we talk about this?" "HAIL!" "That isn't an answer." I planted my hands on my hips. "Was there a reason for shoving the gummy bears off the counter? Did they tell you they were suicidal? On second thought," I raised a hand, palm out, "don't answer that. If the candy is talking, I don't want to know.

I don't know how many times a phone call or e-mail starts with, "I don't agree with anything you say but you're funny as hell so I listen to your show, I love your show."

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

I wear a name tag to help people find me. It saves time when you're dealing with idiots.

Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th.

This book will prove the following ten facts: 1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there. 2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch. 3. All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 4. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, the result is a family fight. 5. Music does not always sooth the troubled beast. 6. An Englishman's home is his castle. 7. The female of the species is more deadly than the male. 8. One black eye deserves another. 9. Space is the final frontier, and so is the sewage farm. 10. It pays to increase your word power.

I forget the derivation of Boxing Day, but the feeling of wanting to invite your loved ones outside one at a time and punch them in the face, does that come into it somewhere?

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

Can I ask you a question?" "You already have." He paused, considering. "Can I ask you two questions, then?" "You already have.