Jenny Zhang Quotes

I have a mug that actually verifies that I'm the world's best dad. That's a mug. That's not me talking. You can't just buy those.

If you have a mother-in-law with only one eye and she has it in the center of her forehead, don't keep her in the living room.

My girlfriend: sophomore honors student, demigod, and — oh, yeah — head architect for redesigning the palace of the gods on Mount Olympus in her spare time.

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler.

Most people don't know that I invented the selfie.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

I am a comedian and you guys know whatever I say, I don't mean any of it.

I will take a little bit of credit because I did come up with 'you're welcome.'

I do wear wigs. ... I sometimes make the joke about me standing on a hilltop with my hair blowing in the wind - and me too proud to run after it.

I wanted the world to know where I was from. I wanted to say to the world, "We gotcha." America gotcha.

When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.

I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.

We call my son's role in the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy Sean's little independent movie.

I felt very close to God.... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees.

I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie. And an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...

I worked in a Chinese restaurant.

Magicians are definitely more arrogant. They're kind of like "Abra Kadabra, you're an idiot," they don't let you in on the joke. Comedians, you're always in on the joke unless it's Andy Kaufman.

I'm one of the world's greatest pencil sharpeners.

I have little hair because my brain is so big it pushes the hair out.

I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.

I had an American journalist say to me, "Is it true you wrote the whole of the first novel on napkins?" I was tempted to say, "On teabags, I used to save them.

There is a joke that I use all the time. I say it to my kids. I used to say it to my wife. She'd be talking to me about something very serious and then I would just look at her and go "Where are you from originally?" And she would go "Humphhh! C'mon. That's terrible!"