Bobcat Goldthwait Quotes

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

As long as there's Big Momma, we're going to bring you comedy.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

I was funny around my family. My family, they're pretty funny, too.

Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.

I have two cats at home in Minnesota with my family. Beau and Skippy.

I think it's really good for a family or children to have a dog, cat, bird or whatever to grow up with.

I did stand-up, weird and ignorant stuff about my career - anything for a laugh.

My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'

I have a funny family, but none of them are remotely in show business.

There's just me and my wife and a dog and we feed him Healthy Choice also.

I didn't have any pets growing up.

All my relatives and friends have been pretty aware of my brand of humor for a while, so none of them have been shocked.

I've always been known in my family as the one who imitates the crazy Dominican relatives.

I love dogs, but they are a big responsibility, and with four children, having one would be too much.

I think my sense of humor is really dark and super twisted and stuff like that. It's like, "Is this a funny joke for real? Or am I just rich?" See? That was funny.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

A duck walks into a bar and the bartender asks, what'll it be? The duck doesn't answer because it's a duck.

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!

I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.

The elks, on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come to the water hole. And you should see them run when they find it is only a water hole. What they're looking for is an 'elk-a-hole'.

Mark Carwardine's role, essentially, was to be the one who knew what he was talking about. My role, and one for which I was entirely qualified, was to be an extremely ignorant non-zoologist to whom everything that happened would come as a complete surprise.

There is a joke that I use all the time. I say it to my kids. I used to say it to my wife. She'd be talking to me about something very serious and then I would just look at her and go "Where are you from originally?" And she would go "Humphhh! C'mon. That's terrible!"

Paul patted Mrs. O'Leary's snout. The living room shook —BOOM, BOOM, BOOM—which either meant a SWAT team was breaking down the door or Mrs. O'Leary was wagging her tail. I couldn't help but smile.