David Lloyd George Quotes

I may discuss love, and I don't mind if two men fall in love, fine. Two women, fine. But I flinch when I think of two Jewish women getting together and having a child because the idea of having two Jewish mothers makes my head explode. I have one; I couldn't handle two.

Comedy comes from confusion.

One of the pleasures of being a Jew, I don't have to tell you, it allows you anti-Semitism.

Male circumcision has been practiced for thousands of years and is a deeply important ceremony for two major religions.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I do things, and other people laugh at them. I rarely know what the joke is supposed to be or why they're laughing.

Nothing is funnier than confidently doing the wrong thing.

Political satire became obsolete when Henry Kissinger was awarded the Nobel peace prize.

I've just never been a person that was political or religiously savvy. Except for the fact that I was born Jewish. That gives me 10 circumcision jokes.

The first time I heard 'Sharknado,' I thought it was a late-night infomercial for a new vacuum cleaner. Could have swore I ordered one once. Then I found out what it was and remembered that I grew up reading the 'Sharknado' novels.

Mike Judge is my Jonathan Swift, and I say that because I don't know any other satirists. But the problem with satire is that it's so easily misinterpreted.

Admitting that we ourselves are bar mitzvah boys is our way of letting non-Jews as well as Jews in the audience know that everything we're doing is meant in good fun; we're having fun with our background and don't want to be taken in the wrong way.

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

I was in Las Vegas when the Nogueira brothers first touched down in America. There was a bus, this is a true story. There was a bus that pulled up to a red light, and Little Nog tried to feed it a carrot, while Big Nog was petting it. He thought it was a horse. This really happened. He tried to feed a bus a carrot, and now you're telling me this country has computers? I didn't know that.

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

The dripping blood our only drink, The bloody flesh our only food: In spite of which we like to think That we are sound, substantial flesh and blood Again, in spite of that, we call this Friday good.

Men!" "At least we don't fake it." "Listen, it was your uncle. And we were late, remember? So I made the sacrifice and got us there in time for dessert. You should be thanking me." Morelli's mouth was open slightly and his face was registering a mixture of astonished disbelief and wounded, pissed-off male pride. Okay, it wasn't that much of a sacrifice at the time, and I knew he shouldn't be thanking me, but give me a break here... this wasn't famine in Ethiopia

I've got a black woolen hat and it's got Pervert written across the front of it. It's the name of the clothing label. And I was with my wife and my baby at the supermarket and I didn't think. I just put my hat on Clara's head, because it was cold. And the looks. I couldn't figure out why I was getting death looks. And then I realized my 10-month old baby's wearing a hat with the word Pervert written on it and these people were like, 'There's Satan! There's Satan out with his kid!' And then I made a point of her wearing it every time we went there.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

Uh, my lord, I am not actually food. You do realize this, yes?

There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

I am but too conscious of the fact that we are born in an age when only the dull are treated seriously, and I live in terror of not being misunderstood.

Everyone is a comedy. If people are laughing at you, they just don't quite understand the joke that is themselves.

Fashion advice from the Tooth Fairy, that's great.

The Hitch Hiker's Guide has not been an opera. It has however been a tapestry, if you count a woven bath towel as a tapestry.