Stephen Colbert Quotes

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

When I was young, I was obsessed with Michael Jordan and the Bulls. He's the only person I get starstruck over. I don't know what I'd do if I met him - I'd be in shock! That's my dream.

As far as I can tell, comedians are pretty serious people, and that's why they make fun of things all of the time.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

People ask if I walk around and pinch myself. Yes, I do.

Someone said to me at a party once, 'Oh, yeah, you're a comedian? Then how come you're not funny now?' And I just wanted to say, 'Well, I'm just going to take this conversation we're having and then repeat that to strangers, and then that's the joke. You're the joke later.'

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

Posturing is funny to me.

Laughable

[Addressing Robert Peel, 1788-1850:] The Right Honorable Gentleman's smile is like the silver fittings on a coffin.

Not a lot of people get to meet their role model and idol in life, and I've been really lucky that way.

The whole character of Super Dave is a takeoff on people who pontificate. So one thing I never want to do is pontificate why this works, why this is funny. I have no idea what the appeal is. All we are trying to do is make people have a good time and laugh.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.

The world laughs at things it would really prefer to admire, and like Aesop's fox it criticizes things it covets.

Daisy looked up at him with the kind of expression that Jesus might have given someone who had just explained that he was probably allergic to bread and fishes, so could He possibly do him a quick chicken salad.

I love President Bush. I think it's great we have a president who always looks like he's looking directly into the sun.

There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.

It's certainly easy to mock some things ... Oddly enough though I've never found it easy to mock anything of value. Only things that are tawdry and fatuous - perhaps it's just me.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.

Just to be on set with Amy Poehler, who's one of my heroes, was a total dream come true.

You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.' 'And yet it is still extremely funny.

The things that I have apparently parodied I actually admire.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him.