Johnny Carson Quotes

Have you ever known anyone who bought a fruitcake for himself? Of course not. They are purchased as Christmas gifts, mostly for people you don't particularly like.

Many people celebrate Christmas as a secular holiday for the most part than a Christian holiday. Obviously, many, many people celebrate it as a Christian holiday. But then there's even more people or there's additional people who celebrate it as a secular holiday as well.

Christmas cards ... are technically only junk mail from people you know.

Airport screeners are now scanning holiday fruitcakes. Not even the scanners can tell what those little red things are.

The Christmas tree, twinkling with lights, had a mountain of gifts piled up beneath it, like offerings to the great god of excess.

It must not simply be taken for granted that a given set of ill-assorted people, for no other reason than because it is Christmas, will be joyful to be reunited and to break bread together.

Three words for those who want to put the Christ back in Christmas: Jingle Bell Rock.

Christ came to transform us from never enough people - to more than enough people; that through his poverty we may become rich.

Some people are like Slinkies.They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to my face when I push them down a flight of stairs.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

It's Christmas! Ah, Christmas, the time when all good people go about not decapitating each other.

I prefer Christmas, which is everybody's holiday. It's just my nature. I don't like to be zeroed in on en masse.

I can understand people simply fleeing the mountainous effort Christmas has become... but there are always a few saving graces and finally they make up for all the bother and distress.

There's nothing stressful about turning 50 except people reminding you about it.

He's one of those Christmas Eve guys. There are people like that... every day in their lives is Christmas Eve.

So, mistletoe, in fact, symbolizes mistletoe.

Like everyone in his right mind, I feared Santa Claus.

I do like Christmas. I do understand that there are people who hate it, and there are other religions that resent it. So, I speak to everybody - I try to speak to every kind of minority and majority that cannot escape the steamroller known as Christmas.

I forget the derivation of Boxing Day, but the feeling of wanting to invite your loved ones outside one at a time and punch them in the face, does that come into it somewhere?

I have a brother who gives socks for Christmas. He gives socks. Every year, I get a pair of socks from him.

My mom always puts a grapefruit in my stocking. I like grapefruit, but why put it in a stocking like it's a gift? It's almost as bad as coal.

So just to be truthful to my own sensibility, I need to acknowledge that the season is not all joy and light for a lot of people. It's tough - environmentally, emotionally, spiritually.

If you find that not many of the things you asked for have come, and not perhaps quite so many as sometimes, remember that this Christmas all over the world there are a terrible number of poor and starving people.

Be funny whenever possible, even if some people don't get it.