funny quotes Quotes

You Know the Most Dangerous Thing In the Water? A Shark Fart.

I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.

I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were.

I think it's just funny, the things that come out of people's mouths, whether it's a politician, whether it's an average person on the street - and to be honest with you, sometimes these politicians sound like average people on the street.

Chad Radwell lines are very, very quotable.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I’m a ridiculous person. If you take anything any comedian says seriously, then you’re stupid.

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

Be funny whenever possible, even if some people don't get it.

Kanye [West] just says the funniest analogies that are so random. I should start keeping a book - in 20 years, I'll have a big book of analogies.They always make me laugh.

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder.

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.

At one point, I wrote 20 jokes a day, and I had a commitment to send them to the same three people. Now, I just write down what my husband says in his sleep. He's the funniest person, even unconscious.

George Burns – the only man I know who does fool Mother Nature.

If you write something wrong enough, I'll be glad to make up a new witticism just for you.

Some people are like Slinkies.They aren't really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to my face when I push them down a flight of stairs.

Fozzie Bear has so many bear puns in this script - like, 'Trac is grizzly!' 'This is unbearable!' It's the greatest.

Duh! So, we're asking you now, what are some of your favorite lines that this warlock brain produced?