Jim Gaffigan Quotes

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

We may expect answers to prayer, and should not be easy without them any more than we should be if we had written a letter to a friend upon important business, and had received no reply.

“Who are you?” One who has waited long for you to speak.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

Some people don't get it when I'm being sarcastic.

Words have a life; without response they die.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

Tacos." "Tacos?" I echoed. This seemed to amuse him. "Tomatoes, lettuce, cheese." "I know what a taco is!

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

Acting is mostly about listening. If you just focus in on what the other person is saying, acting takes care of itself to quite a large extent.

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

Who are you?' I didn't understand the question. I'm Uri', he said. 'What's your name?' I gave him my name. 'Stopthief.

I asked you, baby, If you understood- You told me that you didn't, But you thought you would.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

When I told you that I’d pray for you, what did you think I was talking about?