Jimmy Fallon Quotes

We have our factory, which is called a stage. We make a product, we color it, we title it and we ship it out in cans.

I drive an American car. It's a Chrysler. That's not an endorsement. It's more like a cry for pity.

Disappointment is an endless wellspring of comedy inspiration.

My acting is still being recognized for the fact that I wasn't nominated.

The worst part of my life is newspapers are still alive - sorry, I had to say it.

Politicians don't make things—they occasionally have ideas and mostly see them frustrated. But at Cadbury-Schweppes, you can actually go into a factory and see something come out the other end, like a bottle of tonic water or a bar of chocolate. It is a completely different feeling.

Contrary to reports that I took the loss badly, I want to say that I went home last night and slept like a baby—every two hours I woke up and cried.

Nothing you could do would make me mad. You're a complete official failure.

I can't be serious, apparently.

In spite of myself, I gave a snort. "Just once, I'd like to hear a simple, straightforward prophecy.

Then at the top of the hill, the road forks. Which just figures. "You gotta be kidding." I say. One part of the road goes left, the other goes right. (Well, it's a "Fork" ain't it?)

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

We came to the end, we found nothing. Nothing!!! And we cursed because we were hoping for so much less.

Oh great. Yoda captured us.

Adina appealed to the sky. "We asked for rescue and you sent us incompetent rockstar pirates with a broken ship and perfect abs?" "Thank you, God," Petra said.

I don't whistle at you down the street. I would if I could, but I can't whistle you see.

Oh, wouldn't it be wonderful if some manufacturer would make a toy as tough, as staunch, as hard to crack open as the carton it comes in!

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

You switched the days," I said, dismayed. "You blew the tire. You..." I trailed off, probably because the next words out of my mouth were either going to be "You are enough to do this?" or "You're destined for a life of crime." It was a toss-up either way.

I am eagerly awaiting my next disappointment.

Ponce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!

I saw that my witticism was unperceived and quietly replaced it in the treasury of my mind.

Even Dionysus's welcome-home speech wasn't enough to dampen my spirits. "Yes, yes, so the little brat didn't get himself killed and now he'll have an even bigger head. Well, huzzah for that. In other announcements, there will be no canoe races this Saturday.

I've tried to be a better person... I've tried, and tried and tried! You know how hard I've tried! Tell me how I've tried..." "Nice try... Five cents, please!

Yeah, well, it's been a super fun week. And by 'super fun' I mean 'horrible and endless'.