David Letterman Quotes

I was shot from the funny gun.

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

My hair is always at its best in New York. I don't know what's in the water. It could be mousse.

I take music pretty seriously. You see that scar on my wrist? You see that? You know where that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again. I couldn't take it, OK!

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

It's autumn in New York. The colors are changing — yellow, the browns, the greens, the oranges. And that's just the tap water.

New York City is filled with the same kind of people I left New Jersey to get away from.

I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!'"

new york provides not only a continuing excitation but also a spectacle that is continuing.

All one has to do to gather a large crowd in New York is to stand on the curb a few minutes and gaze intently at the sky.

You should look up some of the reviews. The New York Times review is so over-the-top funny. It's hysterical. You should dig it out.

Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, "Is someone sitting there?" just say, "No one except the Lord."

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

This isn't a fairy tale. It's New York City.

A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

New York walking isn't exercise: it's a continually showing make-your-own movie.

The way I deliver it is meant to be fun. Does it hurt sometimes? Yes, but it is meant to be funny not offensive.

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It's really funny.