Tom Bodett Quotes

You ought to be ironical the minute you get out of bed. You ought to wake up with your mouth full of pity.

My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it's kind of hilarious.

I come from a family of teasers myself. My grandfather was from Liverpool, and he had a dry sense of humor, and he would tease us terribly. My brother Beau was so skilled in his teasing that he could get a rise out of me by simply pointing at me.

I'm quite sarcastic, and I'm funny, but not kind of funny. It's a weird funny, and some people don't get me, and some people do.

I didn't even realize I was writing songs - I thought I was just being witty and sarcastic.

I just have a deadpan sense of humor, I guess.

You have a mother?" He quirked a brow. "Did you think mine was some sort of divine birth? My father was a remarkable man, but even he was not that talented.

I'm a silly guy, I love wit and cynicism and sarcasm.

Screw up my life?" He stared at me for a second and then said, deadpan, "I'm a five-foot-three, thirty-seven-year-old, single, Jewish medical examiner who needs to pick up his lederhosen from the dry cleaners so that he can play in a one-man polka band at Oktoberfest tomorrow." He pushed up his glasses with his forefinger, folded his arms, and said, "Do your worst.

Minias smiled. Great. Another charming demon. I sort of prefer the insane ones.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

You are not my high school crush, idiot.” “Great. I can die happy, then.

I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm. And when I started having kids, that doesn't work with kids. Kids don't understand sarcasm, and they certainly don't understand my humor.

Stupidity is not my strong suit.

I'd like to thank Sony for their gracious hospitality, and for not repeatedly punching me in the face. If I seem a little nervous, it's because Kevin Butler was introduced to me backstage as the VP of sharpening things.

Glad to eat ya', I mean meet ya'" - Digger

Are you always a smartass?' Nope. Sometimes I'm asleep.

Sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable.

I've met a few people who were passive-aggressive, but I've never met anyone who was aggressive-passive. I don't want tacos! Maybe.

This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.

I'm going to drink a Coor's Light, cause Bud Light don't pay me nothin'.

Just relax and breathe through your ass.

Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

The only words I'll allow from your mouth are, 'Oh, Gareth,' and 'Yes, Gareth.'" "What about 'More, Gareth'?" "He almost kept a straith face. "That will be acceptable.