Ellen DeGeneres Quotes

You have to check out 'March of the Penguins'. Penguins are the really ideal example of monogamy.

I am not going to speculate about the emotions that might be involved in avian infidelity.

For me, if you distill comedy down, it is surprise and the unexpected. That has to be it on its most base level, in any form.

I have not taken my good looks seriously from the beginning. When I would be teased by my friends about my looks, I would just make a self-deprecating remark and let it pass.

The secret to humor is surprise.

The best shows to tweet about are the ones that are hilarious, but they might not necessarily be trying to be hilarious. Those are the easiest and the funniest because you're like 'come onnnn.'

This is the way I look when I'm sober. That's enough to make a person drink, wouldn't you say?

People don't expect me to be as funny as I am.

I don't think there's a punch-line scheduled, is there?

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.

A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect.

Surprise is not humor. I think that there can be a fine line there.

I'll see something, and I'll go, 'Oh, wow, that's interesting,' because really, comedy comes from the truth.

Me and the Rock do look a lot alike, and we're a similar build - that was a joke, by the way.

Ironic things are interesting.

One character mistook me for the model and remarked 'That Man-Tan sure works wonders!' That ain't Man-Tan. I'm tan, man. From my head to my toes.

I was sitting in the back room by myself when someone came in and said, "Mr. Zimmer, I have to take you down to the make up room." I told them that if anyone can help this face they deserve a bonus.

I look like a turkey with leukemia.

Mandarin ducks mate for life and will die of loneliness if separated from their chosen mate.

The beast attempts a beautific look that could be mistaken for a bout of painful wind.

If it looks like a Dwarf, and it smells like a Dwarf, then it's probably a Dwarf or a latrine wearing dungerees.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Goodness gracious me,” exclaimed Alexia, “what are you wearing? It looks like the unfortunate progeny of an illicit union between a pair of binoculars and some opera glasses. What on earth are they called, binocticals, spectaculars?” The earl snorted his amusement and then tried to pretend he hadn't. “How about glassicals?” he suggested, apparently unable to resist a contribution.

Look, ladies, we've been over this. I don't even remember killing Medusa. I don't remember anything! Can't we just call a truce and talk about your weekly specials?" Stheno gave her sister a pouty look, which was hard to do with giant bronze tusks. "Can we?

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.