Katt Williams Quotes

The stupidest question I get is 'Is Goldberg your real name?' I tell people, 'No, my real name is Killer, but I wanted a much more menacing name, so I picked Goldberg.'

Feel free to call me by my first name: Master.

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

If I don't offend somebody, then I'm probably not funny.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

And please don't call me that." I didn't call you 'that', I called you George Washington.

I've always thought that a name says a lot about a person. So naturally, being named Howard, I always wanted to crawl into a hole.

I'm Keith," he said, "and you're . . . clearly mad, but what's your name?

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

My name is immaterial,' she said. That's a pretty name,' said Rincewind.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents)

First name: Mister; middle name: period; last name T.

I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown?

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him.

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases. And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?"

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

I never thought of that before! It's my opinion that you never think at all.

I have a beard. Just not on my face.