Dave Barry Quotes

Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

When I say "dogs", I'm talking about dogs, which are large, bounding, salivating animals, usually with bad breath. I am not talking about those little squeaky things you can hold on your lap and carry around. Zoologically speaking, these are not dogs at all; they are members of the pillow family.

I saw a great Newfoundland dog the other day sitting in front of a mirror at the entrance to a shop in Regent's Circus, and examining himself with an amount of smug satisfaction that I have never seen equaled elsewhere outside a vestry meeting.

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

It sometimes takes days, even weeks, before a dog's nerves tire. In the case of terriers it can run into months.

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

That's the only dog I know who can smell someone just thinking about food.

My dog watches me on TV. So, if I may take this opportunity, "No! No! No!"

Say something idiotic and nobody but a dog politely wags his tail.

The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath.

I had a dog that was so lazy, he had a prerecorded bark.

This past Thanksgiving, my father was at the farm, and I had all 11 dogs in the house with a father who never allowed dogs in the house. And he got up to leave the table and came back and Solomon was in his chair. And he says, "This dog is in my chair." And I said, "It's the other way around, you're sitting in his chair."

Try throwing a ball just once for a dog. It would be like eating only one peanut or potato chip. Try to ignore the importuning of a Golden Retriever who has brought you his tennis ball, the greatest treasure he possesses!

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.

I am cursed with a right leg that arouses the desire of any male dog that happens to be passing. I used to think that this only happened to me but I've discovered that many people have the same problem. They have a femme fatale limb.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

It is scarcely possible to doubt that the love of man has become instinctive in the dog.

It's a big mistake when encyclopedias say "loyal" - this dog, this breed has this ability to be loyal, to be a one person dog. I don't agree with that. I think all dogs are honest, all dogs have integrity, all dogs are loyal and they're all capable of loving you. It doesn't come from the breed. It comes from the dog.

Like many other much-loved humans, they believed that they owned their dogs, instead of realizing that their dogs owned them.

Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.