David Letterman Quotes

You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can only make a monkey out of the voters every four years!

I read an article that said one in five Americans thinks Elvis is alive. I want to find those morons and get them registered to vote for me.

The President seems to extend executive privilege way out past the atmosphere. What he says is executive privilege is nothing but executive poppycock.

Israel has been deliberately disseminating AIDS in Arab nations.

A reforming age is always fertile of imposters.

One of the frustrations of the Republicans is that they have been mostly unsuccessful in equating the word Clinton with Mafia, which, to them, seems so head-smackingly obvious.

[Donald Trump] even quoted a tweet from a self-identified 16-year-old as a way to justify crazy unsupported claims about the popular vote.

Sixty one percent of Donald Trump's supporters believe that President [Barack] Obama was not born in the United States.They believe Donald Trump's lie about where President Obama was born, the lie he started telling four years ago and has since replaced with other hate-driven lies like the thousands of Muslims Donald Trump lies about having seen celebrating in New Jersey on 9/11.

Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican.

[Donald Trump] has really started his political activity based on this racist lie that our first black president was not an American citizen. There was absolutely no evidence for it, but he persisted, he persisted year after year, because some of his supporters, people that he was trying to bring into his fold, apparently believed it or wanted to believe it.

Let's face it, Fox News, you'll miss me when I'm gone. It'll be harder to convince the public that Hillary Clinton was born in Kenya.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama cannot win, and they are put in place to assure a victory by Mitt Romney... this is the plan of all the insurance companies that are owned by Mormon interests. It is unfolding as the Mormon Church planned over the last fifty years.

We have been terribly and systematically misled for nearly 70 years in the United States.

You hear a lot of people, they turn 40 and it really bugs them and they get depressed or whatever. I don't know - I just don't feel that way. I feel 19 years old all the time. I mean, it's not a lie. I could easily say, God, I feel 70. Or maybe I seem like I'm 70 or 200 or something to other people, I don't know. My brain feels 19 all the time. And that's a good spot.

It is probably well on the conservative side to estimate that during the past ten to fifteen years the camera has destroyed a thousand pairs of eyes, corrupted ten thousand, and seriously deceived a hundred thousand, for every one pair that it has opened, and taught.

I think [Steve Scalise] is a good man I am not going to vote in that regard because I believe Israel controls the Senate they control the House of Representatives they control the media .

When I was born, I was almost fourteen years old. That's why I was able to understand more easily than most what it was all about.

Our rulers for more than half a century have made sure that we are never to be told the truth about anything that our government has done to other people, not to mention our own.

Ted Cruz has been playing an ad about me that is so ridiculously false, no basis in fact. Take ad down, Ted. Biggest liar in politics.

I'll just say this: The last problem Paris Hilton has is being in a John McCain ad.

When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don't know who this person is and I don't have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they're doing projects with me. It's so weird.

So much of the knowledge in our minds is based on lies and superstitions that come from thousands of years ago. Humans create stories long before we are born, and we inherit those stories, we adopt them, and we live in those stories.

I think the Democrat attitude is, "You know, we've toyed with you people for all these years, and we've been faking you out. We've been making it look like we want you in our club, but we really don't. We don't want... You're nothing but a bunch of foils, and we don't need you anymore, and we're just gonna wipe you out".

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

Politicians need human misery. ... Government's a disease masquerading as its own cure.