John Green Quotes

Gazzy called over to me "I can't see anything!" "I can't see anything either," Iggy complained. "I'm rolling my eyes, Ig." I had to tell him that because he couldn't see me do it, what with his blindness and all.

At this point, we've ripped on everyone.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If there's anyone still present whom I've failed to insult . . . I apologize.

Hey, T-Rex? Remind me next time I want to get smartass with you that it’s a really stupid move on my part? (Talon) Oh, no, you don’t, you wuss. You told me the next time you saw Ash you were going to ask him if he’d seen the movie 10,000 BC and if it’d made him homesick. (Wulf)

I can be sarcastic.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

Reed Scott is really good at coming up with insults.

Even when I was in high school and the Navy, I was the guy who could rip somebody, and they'd laugh at it.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

I poke fun of everybody and everything. And who's easier to make fun of than your mother?

Raillery is a mode of speaking in favor of one's wit at the expense of one's better nature.

If there is anyone here whom I have not insulted, I beg his pardon.

You little fruitcake, you little fruitcake, I said you are a fruitcake.

You can't be satirical and not be offensive to somebody.

Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud.

Ridicule is man's most potent weapon.

So I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.

The stupidest question I get is 'Is Goldberg your real name?' I tell people, 'No, my real name is Killer, but I wanted a much more menacing name, so I picked Goldberg.'

I don't know how to troll people, but there are many out there talking with that intent. I just write something funny that would make people laugh.

Oh, I've never been asked a silly question in my entire life.

If I were to insult people and mean it, that wouldn't be funny.

Half-brights consider it comedy gold to congratulate anyone they dislike for 'winning the Kentucky Derby!' The only thing more bracingly original to not-smart people is: 'Stay classy!'

That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.

I know I make a lot of jokes about Mike Jones, but I don't even have no hatred for him.