Jimmy Carr Quotes

I'm physically completely mal-coordinated. My best friend used to make me run for the bus just to give herself a quick, cheap laugh because I definitely don't have that sophisticated cool thing down.

Jim Cameron used to call me 'Special Ed.'

People called me 'Slim' and 'Daddy Long Legs.' My best friend Martine named me Daddy Long Legs after she saw me running track. She was making fun of me!

I literally cringe every time I see someone trying to trash talk. Some people just don't have it and they try, and I find that funny.

Really, he called me that? Ellen DeGenerate? I've been getting that since fourth grade. I guess I'm happy I could give him work.

I can't say that period talk is my favorite bonding arena. But I also think it's sort of funny.

Back home they call me the tie-dye shirt kid. Well, that and faggot.

Intimate scenes are always super awkward - and that is the truth. I know everybody says it, but it really is true.

I can cross the line when I'm making fun of people.

I don't appreciate people taking shots and joking at my expense, when I don't do that to anybody else.

Teasing is often healthy and fun, not to mention an important part of interpersonal and individual development. But when it's abused, 'just kidding' contains a disturbing logic: If I didn't mean it, it didn't happen.

We've got to stop this making fun of guys. I think part of it's to protect [Barack] Obama, because he's the one that's well known for that.

Ah...' Park said, pained. 'What?' 'Those are alphabetized.' 'It's okay. I know the alphabet.' 'Right.' He looked embarrassed. 'Sorry.

Right. I’ve been missing Nutty McFang anyway.” “Stop making up names for him.” “What about Count Crackula?” “Just stop.

It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me Mister Rock.

I hate those old falsettos, I really do, and it's embarrassing since I've grown up.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

That was the most awkward Wednesday he ever remembered.

Vic nudged my elbow with his. "You and me are still friends, right? You guys get a joint custody in the divorce. Generous visitations rights." "Divorce?" Despite myself, I laughed. Only Vic could call the aftermath of a bad first date a divorce. We hadn't exactly been friends beforehand, so "still" was an exaggeration, but it would've been mean to point that out. Besides, I liked Vic. "We're still friends." "Excellent. The weirdos have to stick together around here." "Are you calling me a weirdo?" "Highest honor I can bestow.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Thinking about her again caused his body to harden, to ready... "Uh, I'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but I had no idea you would like it so much," Paris muttered. For the first time in hundreds of years, Maddox felt a blush creep into his cheek, "It's not for you." "Thank the gods," was his friends reply. -Maddox and Paris

Todd? Are you still there?" "Yeah. I'm just trying to think of a good reason to continue our friendship." I grinned. "Jealousy is so unattractive Todd." "It would help if you could tell me one thing that's wrong. One flaw. Bad breath? Warts? Some condition that requires anti fungal spray?" "Would chest hair be a flaw?" "Oh, yeah." Todd sounded relieved." I can't stand a chest rug. You can't see the chest cut.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.