Lewis Grizzard Quotes

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

I met the man of my dreams at a gym, and then we got married in Vegas - because we're classy. When you meet at a gym, where else do you get married?

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

I love my wife to death. I mean my ex-wife.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

I hate weddings,' she says. 'They make me feel so unmarried. Actually, even brushing my teeth makes me feel unmarried.

I have the best divorce of anyone I've heard of.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

All my six husbands married me for different reasons.

You may invite the entire 35th Division to your wedding if you want to. I guess it's going to be yours as well as mine. We might as well have the church full while we are at it.

My former wife is a very eccentric woman, which is why I still love her.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

With two leftover husbands to account for, my wicked soul has just about shriveled and died.

I wouldn't want to be married to me, but luckily Tom Cruise does.

There's an element of tongue-in-cheek in every one of our songs. Walking off into the sunset, holding hands, and being married forever was not exactly a brand new idea.

My wife disagrees with 100 percent of what I say. That's the same marriage I have.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.