Paul Merton Quotes

I have what we call a 'symphony act.' I'm the only comedian, I think, in the country that does it.

Dylan Moran, my favourite comedian, was walking down the street in Edinburgh. I nearly got run over as I sprinted up to him to tell him I was his biggest fan. His stand-up comedy gives me a stitch from laughing.

A comic says funny things. A comedian says things funny.

If you call me a comedian I will be very grateful. I will thank you profoundly. No, I love doing comedy. It's fun once in a while to do a serious part but I really enjoy doing comedy because I love to laugh.

All of the sudden, my right leg caved in. I crumpled to the floor in pain. The doctor weren't sure I'd ever be able to play again...and even if I did recover physically, the psychological scars of so traumatic an injury might never heal.

I remember seeing Eddie Murphy RAW and seeing people laughing and having a good time and that was the same response I was getting so I thought I was on to something.

[On an actor who'd broken her leg in London:] Oh, how terrible. She must have done it sliding down a barrister.

Andy Samberg is the only person I've ever seen do an impression of me, and I didn't think it was that accurate. I'd like to see somebody else impersonate me, especially if they can do a good job.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

Billy Crystal... I crap bigger than him.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.

It's a lot easier to say you're a comic than a performance artist.

Oh, Hello. I'm Eugene Mirman, and I'm here to introduce my special. It's called An Evening of Comedy in a Fake Underground Laboratory.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

You want him to walk?" Caleb demands. "Are you insane?" "Did I shoot him in the leg?" I say. "No. He walks. Where do we go, Peter?

Nobody has ever had to go off following one of my tackles and nobody has broken their leg.

A comedian who starts talking to himself becomes his own audience. This is fatal.

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor, you can't go - I guess there's forms of it.

One of the funniest lines in my show was written for me by Alan Bursky. I really want to learn this routine!

Ladies and Gentlemen, King of the Stupid Question: Todd Grisham!

You do what you're supposed to do, but you have to be honest about what they're doing. When you do a comedy show on a network the problem is there are going to be a bunch of people who aren't comedians that are going to tell you what's funny.

I actually love 'Saturday Night Live,' like a sports fan watches their favorite team to see how they're doing. I know the players and the writers, I've known several people on that show for a number of years.

I've always been a fan at home. That's the one joke I have with Sam [Champion]. "I've always loved you! I remember wanting to be you in grade school!"

I know Dave [Attel] and we're friendly, and I have nothing but respect for him.