Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

An American monkey, after getting drunk on brandy, would never touch it again, and thus is much wiser than most men.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Seeing people get messed up never gets un-funny! And there's plenty of ways to do that.

All men, even those we call savages, have been so tormented by the passion for strong drinks, that limited as their capacities were, they were yet able to manufacture them.

Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl's clothes off.

I don't know, I never smoked AstroTurf.

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

Call things by their right names - Glass of brandy and water! That is the current, but not the appropriate name; ask for a glass of liquid fire and distilled damnation.

If merely 'feeling good' could decide, drunkenness would be the supremely valid human experience.

The man who gets drunk in peacetime is a coward. The man who gets drunk in wartime goes on being a coward.

The sight of a drunkard is a better sermon against that vice than the best that was ever preached on that subject.

The piano has been drinking, not me.

And much as Wine has played the Infidel, And robbed me of my Robe of Honor Well, I often wonder what the Vintners buy One half so precious as the stuff they sell.

But who is it that has made my people drunk? Indians cannot make whiskey. Indians do not sell it. But white people make it and bring it among us. It is they that have brought the evil upon us and we cannot remove it. The white people can remove it and now we call upon them to do it. We ask them to take their whiskey and run away, and leave us sober as they found us.

The white people brought whiskey into our village, made our people drunk, and cheated them out of their horses, guns, and traps!...I visited all the whites and begged them not to sell whiskey to my people. One of them continued the practice openly. I took a party of my young men, went to his house, took his barrel and broke in the head and turned out the whiskey.

Wine is a mocker, strong drink is riotous; and whoever is deceived by it is not wise

See them coming into our towns with their rum! See them offering it to us with persuasive kindness. Hear them cry, “Drink! Drink!” and when we are drunk, and act like the crazed, behold these good white, these man of a benevolent race, standing by, laughing among themselves, and saying, “Oh, what fools! What great fools the Shawanese are!” But who made them fools? Who are the cause of their madness?

Theodore [Roosevelt] is never sober. Only he is drunk with himself and not with rum.

[Referring to alcohol:] After the lapse of nearly fifty years of undisputed political freedom, the blood-freezing clank of a cruel bondage is still heard.

... the sin of drunkenness which is the root of all sins.

Abstinence from spirituous liquors is the best safeguard of morals and health.

It is an unhappy thing that in later years a Kind of Drink called Rum has been common among us. They that are poor and wicked, too, can for a penny make themselves drunk.

Although Drunkenness be justly termed a vice which the Salvages are ignorant of, yet the benefit is very great that comes to the planters by the sale of strong liquor to the Salvages, who are much taken with the delight of it; for they will pawn their wits, to purchase the acquaintance of it.

If you are to be employed by the BBC, you must promise not to get drunk…. You look as if you will be washed out of poetry by whisky.