Henny Youngman Quotes

I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

Give up all hope of peace so long as your mother-in-law is alive.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

Controlling mothers do not pass the baton to their son's new wife.

I don't think you have to live in the fantasy world of Westeros to have problems with your mother-in-law.

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

I should, many a good day, have blown my brains out, but for the recollection that it would have given pleasure to my mother-in-law.

They (mothers-in-law) never leave when they say they will. When my mother-in-law visits, the mice throw themselves at the cat, begging to be eaten.

My husband used to shout at my mother, 'What is wrong with your daughter? I'm married to a man.'

The only thing more intimidating than a huge international film star is your mother-in-law.

A husband's mother and his wife had generally better be visitors than inmates.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Who hasn't had an argument with their mother-in-law?

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the patience not to strangle my mother-in-law, chop her into little pieces, and dump them down a sewer.

As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then, to be sure; but there's no love lost between us.

My mother is a good woman - a very good woman - and I am, I think, not quite all criminality, but we do not pull together. I am a piece of machinery which, not understanding, my mother winds up the wrong way, setting all the wheels of my composition going in creaking discord.

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

Then, there's the modern mother-in-law. In her mid 40s, she is the compact car of her breed: efficient, trim, attractive and in harmony with her times. She's pretty stiff competition for the plain young matron who's overweight and under-financed. If there is going to be friction in this relationship, it could start from envy and resentment in the younger woman. But Father Time is on her side, even if Mother Nature played her a dirty trick

I was given all of my dad's guitars when he passed, and they were being stored at the house. My mother decided they were hers again, and she took them all back, and now they're going up for auction.

What daughter thinks of her parents in flagrante delicto? Yet, my mother, even after years with him, dropped hints such as, 'You know, your father enjoys his matinees.' I never even saw them go to the movies together. What could she mean? All those afternoons, I thought she was upstairs listening to La Traviata, and those high notes apparently were not coming from the radio.

I'm not outright seeking stuff. Because all I want to do is done. I bought my mother a nice house and pretty dress.