Emo Philips Quotes

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

The bowl landed, in glorious perfection, atop the head of Mrs Barnaclegoose, who was not the kind of woman to appreciate the finer points of being crowned by trifle.

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

This big part flies off on the floor. The other part goes like this and lands in my foot! Standing up! It's standing in my foot! Right in the side of my foot. The flute glass. I think I'm like in one of my own pictures.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

This is Annabeth,” Jason said. “Uh, normally she doesn't judo-flip people.

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

An hour before his world exploded like a ripe tomato under a stiletto heel, Myron bit into a fresh pastry that tasted suspiciously like urinal cake.

Last time you bring me pie, I cut into it, with my tiny pie cutter, and millions of birds flew out hitting me in the eyes and the temples... it was a trick pie!

Everything went great right up to the explosion.

I got run over by a bug-eyed dummy, I guess.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

Maybe" she said. "I just wish we'd have a little mishap.It would be reassuring

Expect the unexpected in the kingdom of madness!

Someone remind me why I didn’t want to be an accountant when I grew up,” Brock drawled. Niko chuckled. “Because accountants don’t get to make things go boom.

Life is a whoopee cushion, a chair pulled away just as you were taking a seat.

You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy!

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

Naturally, Coach Hedge went ballistic; but Percy found it hard to take the satyr seriously since he was barely five feet tall. "Never in my life!" Coach bellowed, waving his bat and knocking over a plate of apples. "Against the rules! Irresponsible!" "Coach," Annabeth said, "it was an accident. We were talking, and we fell asleep." "Besides," Percy said, "you're starting to sound like Terminus." Hedge narrowed his eyes. "Is that an insult, Jackson? 'Cause I'll—I'll terminus you, buddy!

It was the day my grandmother exploded.

I fell, you see. Trod on my abbot, Father Habit. Oh, dear! I mean.

And now for something completely different...

Percy yelled. "What's going- Gah! Shrimpzilla!