Demetri Martin Quotes

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

Ford put a hand to his head. “Back up. Back up!” he cried. “You’re too close.” Heart pounding, I looked at the eight feet between us and pressed into the fridge. “I think he meant for the ghost to back up,” Jenks said dryly.

How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name.

What am I going to do with you? Yesterday I kiss you, and you attack me! Today you pass out on me!

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I think I get misinterpreted and misunderstood a lot.

The way I look at life, and the way I look at the reality of Parkinson's, is that sometimes it's frustrating and sometimes it's funny. I need to look at it that way, and I think other people will look at it that way.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I was like, what the hell is my life coming to? I'm a trained actor! I've done Shakespeare and here I am having farting contests with an imaginary dog!

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

I’m not certain you’d know the right sort of man for you if he arrived on our doorstep riding an elephant.” “I would think the elephant would be a fairly good indication that I ought to look elsewhere.

It's important not to take yourself too seriously, ... and I think sometimes people take us a lot more seriously than we take ourselves, especially when it comes to politics. Politics, for me, is a reflection of the world I live in. But love is just as important as politics to me. They both exist in the world, you know? And if you don't reflect the entire world around you, then you're leaving something out.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

It's very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level of enjoyment merely by sticking my finger down my throat.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.