Daniel Tosh Quotes

It's depressing sitting at a comedy club all night, waiting to get on to do your five or ten minutes of material.

If I were to just focus on stand-up, I could actually, paradoxically enough, be home way more, because I would leave on a Friday, go do a couple theaters Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, come home.

I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

The fact of the matter is, when I'm on tour, I'm juggling so hard to keep all the balls in the air that I don't often get to really enjoy what I'm out there doing.

I started doing stand-up in college.

The touring was crazy, it was a lot of work. But I enjoyed it.

As a comedian, you see all parts of the country because you play there.

So many people moan about touring and say it's a chore. I don't know, they must be living on a different planet.

After leaving Queen, I decided to stop doing those mega-four-month tours. I go out for a month, and my dog recognizes me when I come home.

We've been touring ever since we were able to afford to buy a van, and I don't think we'll ever stop until something falls off or is irreparable.

Basically, 2011 was the hardest year on the road for me because I did a spring tour and a fall tour plus nine weeks in the summer, and I was pretty worse for wear by the time I got home in December. I know I was only 34, but that was a tough lap.

You were out on tour, 75 cities in 80 days, and then making records on top of it. And they started calling us the Hollywood Vampires 'cause anybody only saw us at night.

I just want to continue to do comedy. Comedy, I'm discovering, is my niche. It's what I'm born to do, so I would love to have my own sitcom one day in the future.

You’re so hilarious. You know, if this whole Daimon-slaying gig doesn’t work out for you, you should really consider being a comedian. The bright Barney hair color would just add to the overall entertainment factor.

I love comedy and I hope I never stop doing it.

I'm not going out there and doing the same material every night. I have this amazing audience of fans who have been listening to me, some of them since 1975.

When you do see me, you'll get the idea from when you see me that it's all off the top of my head. A lot of it is a beginning, middle and the end. But it's different every night. I have a lot of jokes in my back pocket I've said over the years.

I like to have fun out there. I work hard, and then I get to cut loose and go out and tour, and I enjoy it. I like to go out and meet the people. I love to sell books.

I had been asked to open a nightclub in Atlantic City. They offered me a ridiculous amount of money. They literally overpaid me. So I did one show a night. Then they asked me back by popular demand. So I went back. Then I said, "To hell with this." I was only doing it for the money, and I was doing easy routines. It's just too much work to get up every day and practice.

I am a comedian and I started in stand-up when I was 22.

Comedy pays the bills if I can't find a film.

I don't go to see many comedies anymore, because I guess it feels like another day at the office.

I do feel good doing them [family-friendly movies], but it's not going to be my way of life. I'm a comedian.

It’s been a very old thing for people to gather together and laugh at stuff. The first comedian in America really was Abraham Lincoln. He used to go to a pub near where he lived and stand in front of the fire and he packed the place every night and he would just talk and bust everybody in their guts. He was just a hilarious speaker and that’s what he did.

I play a garbage man who moonlights as a stand-up comedian. Terrible.