Chelsea Handler Quotes

Hangover cure: Rigorous sex, hydration, hot bath, then "go up for half an hour in an open aeroplane. (needless to say, with a non-hungover person at the controls)."

Grease is the only cure for a hangover.

What in the world is a hangover cure?

There's one surefire hangover cure, and that's time.

For a bad hangover take the juice of two quarts of whisky.

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

I think the word 'pregnant' is funny.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Maintaining your hydration status is probably the most important thing, along with rest, that you can do with a hangover.

The use of IV replacement of electrolytes and fluids should be in a time when someone is unable to keep fluids down. If your hangover is so bad that every time you drink a sip of Gatorade, you instantly vomit, and you're actively being dehydrated, absolutely you need replacement via an IV.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

By far the best cure for hangovers is not drinking excessively the night before.This cure has a 100% success rate, and as you save the cost of the drinks you would have otherwise drunk, it is cheaper than free.

I'm getting too elderly to travel the length of the country for a free hangover.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.

A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'

Wracked with a hangover I do my muttering over a Black Velvet, a union of champagne and stout. Don't be swindled into believing there's any cure for a hangover. I've tried them all: iced tomatoes, hot clam juice, brandy peaches. Like the common cold it defies solution. Time alone can stay it. The hair of the dog? That way lies folly. It's as logical as trying to put out a fire with applications of kerosene.

A woman gets stretch marks from one of two things. Either she was big and got small or she was small and got big.

Greasy food is so comforting when you are hungover.

Sometimes you need coffee, and sometimes you need a Bloody Mary.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

Of course I can do this. I'm pregnant, not brain-damaged. My condition doesn't change my personality.