Lauren Ambrose Quotes

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Funny, isn't it? The airlines go to all that trouble to keep you from taking a gun on board, then they just hand you a dinner roll you could kill a musk ox with.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

We can plant a house, we can build a tree.

In an age of madness, to expect to be untouched by madness is a form of madness. But the pursuit of sanity can be a form of madness, too

Humor is, by its nature, more truthful than factual.

Wherever the bird with no feet flew, she found trees with no limbs.

Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.

Why, did you know that if a beaver two feet long with a tail a foot and a half long can build a dam twelve feet high and six feet wide in two days, all you would need to build Boulder Dam is a beaver sixty-eight feet long with a fifty-one-foot tail?" "Where would you find a beaver that big?" grumbled the Humbug as his pencil point snapped. "I'm sure I don't know," he replied, "but if you did, you'd certainly know what to do with him.

"I've done your dog. It's got nine eyes down the side, I made his head all square, 15 legs. What do you think of that?" "Fido looks a bit weird."

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

If you want to see eccentricities, I'll be grotesque before your eyes.

Whoever's calm and sensible is insane!

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

Normality wasn't normal. It couldn't be. If normality were normal, everybody could leave it alone. They could sit back and let normality manifest itself.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

It is easy to forget that the most important aspect of comedy, after all, its great saving grace, is its ambiguity. You can simultaneously laugh at a situation, and take it seriously.

A lot of the stuff Kafka said he thought was hilariously funny.

I’m not stealing it. We’re stranded. This is called borrowing.” “This is called you’re crazy.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

A burglar who respects his art always takes his time before taking anything else.