Henny Youngman Quotes

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

It had been my idea that a combination of purebred cattle and horses could be successful from an economic standpoint - in Maryland. Maryland is not a cattle state. To raise beef cattle successfully, you've got to be able to raise cheap feed.

I wanted to be a cattle rancher when I was young, because it was what I knew and I loved it.

New Mexico's agricultural economy is primarily composed of dairy and range livestock production.

I was obsessed with livestock barns, cattle and hogs. I still love that, and I still do that as a hobby.So I'm a strange person.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.

Six Secrets to Being a Successful Humorist 1. Be scared, unhappy, and an outcast as a kid. 2. Drop out of high school. 3. Spend time alone. 4. Don't take a comedy course. 5. Read other humorists but don't worship them. 6. Don't get your hopes up.

I'm very much of the "make it dark, make it grim, make it tough", but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.'

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.

Walt is dead. And, after a couple of hours at Epcot, you'll wish you were, too.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Because their bones are growing, they can only sleep in certain positions, obviously. The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular. Sometimes a combination of the two.

When a cow lives with the butcher, sooner or later he gets eaten unless he helps the other cows off to their slaughter. (Nick)

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.