Greg Fitzsimmons Quotes

I love a drink. But I've never, ever in my life been on a stage and done a performance with an alcoholic drink inside me. Never have, never would. I've seen people who do and invariably they're never as good as they think they are.

Joan Rivers is 80 and she's fantastic. She lives in mortal fear of not filling that 1,500-seat room.

Simon Gray, I decided when I first witnessed this frog into prince transformation, did not have a drinking problem. He had a drinking solution.

I haven't had an alcoholic drink in 22 years, but when I did drink I'd go for either Canadian whisky or Budweiser. Sometimes both. For a long time I used to think "Hey you, get off the floor!" was my name.

I always had one goal, and that was to be a real funny stand-up comic, and that's pretty much what I'm doing. And everything else is kind of like gravy - TV, movies.

I thought for a change I would give up drinking, and it was a great mistake, and, although I reduced the size of my nose and improved my beauty, my stomach suffered.

I had to write a comedy set and film a show at the same time. And it's the second time I've been up on stage as a stand-up comedian with untested material. I was saying it out loud for the first time that night. It didn't go how I expected, but in the best possible way.

Once you stop drinking and smoking and stuff, it really gets on your nerves, all that nonsense going on.

In the stand-up comedy top, there's room for everyone - if you're good, there's room for everyone. You'll put on your own show - no one casts you. You cast your own show as a stand-up comedian. When you get good at stand-up comedy you book a theater and if people show up, people show up. If people don't show up, people don't show up. You don't have a director or a casting agent or anybody saying if you're good enough - the audience will decide.

the reward for total abstinence from alcohol seems, illogically enough, to be the capacity for becoming intoxicated without it.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

I never really had stage nerves but I did have had trouble getting up to the right energy level. For a long time I drank. I drank up until 1982 and then I gave up alcohol.

I do feel good doing them [family-friendly movies], but it's not going to be my way of life. I'm a comedian.

I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

Oh, man, oh how I wish I didn't smoke or drink to reason with my head.

When I first started, I was really nervous. You could hear my voice quiver. So I started drinking a bit and that helped. A lot of entertainers have a few drinks before going onstage and don't overdo it. Me, it turned into a bigger habit. But I stopped that. I was getting older, and I was thinking about my kids. There's enough roadblocks out there without throwing in more yourself.

I became a guy who wanted to be a comedian someday, or a comic actor. The way I put it was, I'll be like Danny Kaye. He was kind of the model I had in mind.

I love comedy. If I could be a comedian - well, I probably would not take that job because it seems really hard, but I wish I could be.

Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth.

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

I was in college, it was my first year of college when I got the show, so I've been kinda' partying a lot and drinking a lot and I've never been stoned and when I got the show I got really serious... So I kinda stop drinking, cold turkey so I had never been stoned until... It's something that happened with Mila and Ashton.

I go to a meeting every day. I surround myself with people who don't use. I recently got back from Ozzfest and I caught myself in kind of a sticky situation where I was around a lot of people using, drinking and it was kind of - I didn't have the urge to use once, but I just knew I shouldn't have been there.