Josh Billings Quotes

I gave my mother a matching set [of mugs] for Christmas, and she accepted them as graciously as possible, announcing that they would make the perfect pet bowls. The mugs were set on the kitchen floor and remained there until the cat chipped a tooth and went on a hunger strike.

The phrase 'domestic cat' is an oxymoron.

So first, your memory I'll jog, And say: A CAT IS NOT A DOG

You don't take your cat with you to go bird shopping. Not because the cat isn't polite, but because he's a cat.

The cat is a wild animal that inhabits the homes of humans.

How you behave toward cats here below determines your status in Heaven.

All my friends got dogs and cats for Christmas, and I got a starfish called Roy. I used to take him down to the park on a lead.

I never thought of myself as explaining cats in general. I simply viewed the cats I have known as characters in my life, often as quirky and complex as the humans with whom I have spent time.

She comes to me when she wants to be fed. And after I feed her -- guess what -- she's off to wherever she wants to be in the house, until the next time she gets hungry. She's smart enough to know she can't feed herself. She's actually a very smart cat. She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn't have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat's taught me more about women, than anything my whole life.

I’m in, Cat. I’d never leave you. Especially when you’ve got death breathing down your neck.” “Very funny,” I retorted, since Bones was inches from my throat

Bast crouched down and began making weird chittering noises. Uh-oh. She was imitating birds. I'd seen enough cats do this when they were stalking. Suddenly my own obituary flashed in my head: Carter Kane, 14, tragically died in Paris wen he was eaten by his sister's cat, Muffin.

It’s a cat. Boy, you couldn’t slip anything past me tonight.

All cats love a cushioned couch.

Do you want me to call you Celery Stick instead of Cupcake or Honey-Pie? It just doesn’t inspire the same warm and fuzzy feelings.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

I have a cat. I'm not a cat-person, but she came with the house that I'm renting. I don't know how many hundreds of dollars worth of bump removals, teeth removals, cleanings and vet fees I've been through. But of course I love her and she's worth it.

My cat is not insane, she's just a really good actress.

It is difficult to obtain the friendship of a cat.

We only have one dog now. Calamity Jane had to be put down. She was very old, and her medicine no longer controlled her seizures. Dilly is five now, I think. He's a neutered American Pit Bull Terrier, very gentle, about the color of buckskin.

Cats yawn because they realize that there's nothing to do.

You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.

Dogs serve people, but people serve cats.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

When people ask me what on earth I want to keep two cats for I tell them I keep them to do my resting for me.

I have lived with several Zen masters -- all of them cats.