Jim Gaffigan Quotes

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.

When I go out, it's to have a good time, not to find a man.

I want to go out with my friends and have a laugh. It's funny: you always attract men when you don't want them - you'll go out, and they'll want your number, while you're left thinking, 'Where were you when I wanted a boyfriend?'

It's not like I've wanted to go out and look for someone. I'm not really good at that.

I just think it's sad that the main places in our culture that we designate to meet new people are bars and nightclubs.

I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend.

It's true, I did say I wanted girlfriends," I capitulated hesitantly, "but couldn't we start with something smaller and less terrifying? Like maybe spend a weekend at a crack house? I heard those people are very nonjudgmental, and if you accidentally say something offensive you can just blame it on their hallucinations.

I like to go to bars and bang really ugly girls, I just like to, I'm just a sick guy.

The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears.

I know that in my own personal life, the people who I have dated who are funny can get away with a lot more than the people who aren't.

I'm not really a line type of guy. I mean, pick-up lines work for some guys. You gotta really sell that thing hard. I did try one pick-up line, and it failed miserably. I thought it was really funny, but the girl didn't find it very funny.

As I've told Tyler, there's not a really easy place between being single and being married for us now. We're just so busy that the logistics of our career make dating impossible. I think I'll find a girl at some point that makes all of the extra work and effort that needs to be put into it worth it. But for right now, I just date my drums.

That was my first real connection with Dre - that we both liked to drink.

I don't need to drink to have a good time with the ladies.

I realize I'm not going to meet my man at a club, and that's where I used to troll for men.

I used to party a lot before marriage.

Bumble is a connecting company. It's your place to find connections, whatever that may be.

Unfortunately, I don't meet guys and it's really sad. I only meet actors on set.

When you are lonely, you get desperate to find a companion. My advice is instead of seeking Mr Right, use the time to hone your talents or workout at a gym. You may just meet someone special along the way.

The whole thing about dating was the scariest thing in the world. And I would tell my friends, 'I'm never going to find anyone. Where am I going to find someone? By now, I'm 59 years old. Where do you meet men?' It was really funny. So I just focused on myself.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down