Stephen Colbert Quotes

Bill Clinton’s only experience with foreign policy is the fact that he had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.

Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience stems mainly from having breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.

In my opinion governors don't make the best presidents. That's my opinion and it's because they don't have the foreign policy experience and they have to learn on the job.

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, 'You must be joking.'

Some critics complain that Gary Hart doesn't have any experience in foreign policy. But that's not true. Why, just yesterday he had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes.

The Vice President has two duties: To daily inquire about the health of the President and to attend the funerals of third world dictators, neither of which interest me.

If you wanted to hear politics, you'd go to Henry Kissinger; you wouldn't go to hear Jackie Mason. The reason I speak about politics is because I know I can get a laugh out of it.

I have a lot of Italian friends, and they have espressos.

Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.

I'm Italian.

See, food I can talk about. I'm Italian, I know the food.

Donald Trump can't come up with a hairstyle that looks human, how can he come up with a plan to defeat ISIS.

As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think about it - it was written by very smart people, it's served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we're not using it anymore.

Sarah Palin gave a speech in South Korea. Just what the Koreans needed: Two crazy dictators in fashionable lady's glasses.

Will the United States pull the rug on New Zealand? The answer is no. They might polish the lino a bit harder and hope that I execute a rather unseemly glide across it.

Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater".

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't bother to stop because they'd want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club.

Not a lot of people know about Tunisia. Sarah Palin thinks it's the name of one of Obama's kids.

Hillary Clinton's ready to pivot to Asia and provoke China. So are the Republicans. It's on domestic issues that there will be a gridlock.

The issue we are reluctant to talk about is even more sensitive than condoms. The issue - and I will try to be tasteful here - is that sometimes it seems like maybe the president of the United States is kind of dumb. If you get what I mean. What I mean is, I am not totally confident that the president would get what I mean, unless several aides explained it to him. And even then, he might forget.

I want to eat good Italian food and get better at their language. It seems so romantic too.

Even though you'll see gnocchi or linguine everywhere in some of the regions of Italy, each of those chefs has their own expression of that which expresses more about the place they were exactly born than it does about trying to be a part of the greater mass. And that's the Italian culture.

President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.