I had been told I might be drafted in the fourth round. 'Great,' I said at the time.
A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'
Mark: When did you learn to drive? Courtney: About three seconds ago.
I want to be a scientist who studies the ocean when I grow up. I would go out to sea, and scuba dive, and find new things, and National Geographic will hire me.” Sure, Nudge. Probably around the time I become president.
I bet you can't eat ten bananas!" "I bet you're right.
Anybody that makes fun of me, I'm like, 'Yeah, and then I got touched by Hugh Jackman'
With all due respect, if you’re forty-three, then I’m a fetus.
See?” I’d whispered to Bones, nudging him with a grin. “He never argues with her. Isn’t that sweet?” A snort preceded his response. “Keep dreaming, pet.
You're alive!" Fezzik cried. The man in black sat immobile, like a ventriloquist's dummy, just his mouth moving. "That is perhaps the most childishly obvious remark I have ever come across.
If someone asks a stupid question, you can only give a stupid answer or appear arrogant.
Would you like me to go and stick my head in a bucket of water?
Man, you weigh a freaking ton," he told me. "What've you been eating, rocks?" "Why, is your head missing some?" I croaked. His mouth almost quirked in a smile, and that's when I knew how upset he'd been
Yeah, we'll play that. You want fries with that?
Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?
I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
"I can talk to fish!" Angel said happily, water dripping off her long, skinny body. "Ask one over for dinner," Fang said, joining us.
My nose isn't big. I just happen to have a very small head.
Two wrongs don't make a right. No, but three will get you back on the freeway!
Too bad we don't have a flashlight." "Thanks for stating the obvious, Mr. Thomas," Minho replied.
I expect that you must receive top marks at school, young lady." Madeleine smiled as she stirred her tea. "There are always rewards for those who state the obvious frequently and with conviction.
Do the elevators work?" I ask Uriah, as quietly as I can. "Sure they do." says Zeke, rolling his eyes, "You think I'm stupid enough not to come here early and turn on the emergency generator?" "Yeah," says Uriah. "I kinda do.
In essence, we’re their servants who help them and who guard them from the public. (Leo) Oh gee, golly, goodie, Mr. Leo! Can I have my eyes gouged out, too? (Susan)
Want to come back to the morgue with me after lunch? (Tate) I shudder at the thought of the pickup line you must have used the night you met LaShonda. Come with me, baby, and see my collection of stiffs. (Simone)
I'll sit in the park and feed the pigeons for a while.' We don't have pigeons.' Then I'll feed the pterodactyls.
A lot of times people come up to me saying 'oh my god you can see,' and they think they're the first person to think of that joke, but they're probably the 10,000th one to say that joke.
