financial humor Quotes

I'm not broke. Like everybody else, I owe money.

What do you call a stock that's down 90%? A stock that was down 80% and then got cut in half.

I think one of the hardest things to talk about as a comic is having money because it's so unrelatable.

Another difference between death and taxes is that you don't have to work like fury to pay for the dying you did last year.

If Bill Gates is worth $30 billion then a good haircut must cost $31 billion

Money makes a man laugh.

My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!

Here’s my most funniest joke, I’m broke.

In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

My accountant regularly asks to take me to lunch. I always say I can't afford it.

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

I didn't bother with trash-talking people's moms, wives, or girlfriends. I was like, 'Hold on, man, you mean to tell me you're making $10 million a year? That's $9 million, $999,999 too much!' That ate them up.

I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.

When I got my statement in January, I was worth $2.2 billion. Then I got another statement in August that said I was worth $3.2 billion. So I figure it's only nine months' earnings, who cares?

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Cash or check?” he said cheekily. Even the dullest Ohio girls knew that bit of lingo: Kiss now or kiss later? “Bank’s closed, pal.

Now and again there will be the occasional joke about owing someone two dollars from the days in '63 when I was a broke blues singer with a washboard, but it's good. I'm happy.

Oh, poor me (jokingly, after being told that Randy Johnson & Pedro Martinez would make more in 2003 than he would). What do I do now? I guess I'll have to get a second job.

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.

I believe that economists put decimal points in their forecasts to show they have a sense of humor.

I don't read economic forecasts. I don't read the funny papers.

Every year I write a tax advice column and I used to always make fun of that. One year, one of my favorite IRS commissioners, I think his name was Roscoe somebody, wrote that one of the most often-asked questions by taxpayers was, "How can I contribute more?" Well, I tell ya, ol' Roscoe's really been doing situps under parked cars again. I've heard a lot of people ask a lot of questions about taxes, but I never heard anybody say, "How can I, the ordinary person, send more money for no reason?"

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.

Recently somebody said, "Hey, you lost weight," and I said, "Yeah, thirty-five pounds and three and a half billion dollars." So I'm quite a bit lighter and more flexible than I was.