Oscar Wilde Quotes

(I'm) the only one to take out half a brain, although you would think, if you go to Washington, that someone had beat me to it.

All the therapists would tell me was that I was the only healthy person they knew.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

When one woman found out I had multiple sclerosis, she said to me, 'My heart bleeds for you.' I said to her, 'Well, my heart bleeds for you, because you're an idiot.'

It makes me itch to think of myself as Captain Beefheart. I don't even have a boat.

[Jenks]"I think you're all screwy in the head," he said when Bis nodded his encouragement. "But go ahead. I've got Quen's number in my phone. I'll call him if you both explode in a flash of black underwear and money so I won't have to fly all the way home.

[Comedy] is an escape from illusions. The audience is...thinking, 'This bullshit we see and hear all day makes no sense.'

Rosencrantz: Shouldn't we be doing something--constructive? Guildenstern: What did you have in mind? ... A short, blunt human pyramid...?

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

Ridicule often checks what is absurd, and fully as often smothers that which is noble.

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out - Thank you, drop dead!

One always overcompensates for disabilities. I'm thinking of having my entire body surgically removed.

And the kittykats would have to erect scaffolding and a pulley to get him down. Mind you, I wouldn't put that past them. Sometimes when they are behind the sofa supposedly purring, I think they are drilling.

You have delighted us long enough.

I sometimes say to people who have life-challenging illnesses: "Right now you are tempted to think that if you were physically well you would be happy. But if that were true, everybody who is physically well would be happy."

If you have any helpful suggestions I'd be pleased to hear them. If all you can do is make snide insinuations then it would probably benefit all concerned if you bestowed the fruits of your prodigious wit on someone with the spare time to give them the consideration they doubtless deserve.

I do not know what to do, my mind's in two.

Got to be worth a try, I suppose," said Crowley. "It's not as if I haven't got lots of other work to do, God knows." His forehead creased for a moment, and then he slapped the steering wheel triumphantly. "Ducks!" he shouted. "What?" "That's what water slides off!" Aziraphale took a deep breath. "Just drive the car, please," he said wearily.

Why are you making a joke out of this?" she asks. "Because it's stupid, Nik. There's not even room in my day to think about someone else.

People who say not to speak ill of the dead are hypocrites, because you can take it ot the bank they're thinking ill.

I am able to say that while I am not ruggedly well, I am not ill enough to excite an undertaker.

My own father had died of Alzheimer's. George [Mitchell] had been also, I think, deeply moved by a similar tragedy.

He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.

We give each other a wide berth even if we have the flu, let alone... So, I think that's part of the stigma that people who have diseases suffer. It's almost infectious... if somebody is closer to death, they're almost a bad omen and I think that's terrible.