Robert Pattinson Quotes

The simile has to match the tone of its surroundings and has to be like a little joke. Writing a simile that isn't funny on some level is quite hard.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

You look like a horse in a man costume

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

What I've always wanted to do is be as funny as possible.

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

A man goes into Boots and says: "Have you got any Viagra?" "Do you have a prescription?" asks the chemist. "No," he replies, "But 'I've got a photograph of the wife."

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."

I gravitate towards anything that has a grain of comedy to it.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

I tried to explain as much as I could," Poppet says. "I think I made an analogy about cake." "Well, that must have worked," Widget says. "Who doesn't like a good cake analogy?

I have a beard. Just not on my face.

You ever wonder when God's coming back with a lot of barbecue sauce?

So Stephanie.. you wanna say let the bodies hit the floor... I would say... let the boobies hit the floor!

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!