William F. Buckley Jr. Quotes

It is quite possible for the vulgar to be funny, but to succeed, it must rise to a certain genius.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

The pun exists in a social and political void, caring nothing for the issues of its day, content merely to display itself in its small cleverness.

I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

Bring me an order of escargots, but hold the slugs.

Succotash my Balzac, dipshiitake.

Knock! knock! who's there? me! me who? that's right? what's right? meehoo! that's what I want to know! what's what you want to know? me who? yes, exactly! exactly what? yes, I have exactlywatt on a chain! exactly what on a chain? yes! yes what? no, exactlywatt! that's what I want to know! I told you-exactlywatt! exactly what? yes! yes what? yes it's with me. what's with you? exactlywatt-that's what with me. me who? yes! go away! knock knock...

A duck walks into a bar and the bartender asks, what'll it be? The duck doesn't answer because it's a duck.

Chuck said, “Hey. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?” Cawley looked over at him. “I’ll bite. How many?” “Fish,” Chuck said and let loose a bright bark of a laugh.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chlamydia?

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so do I!" "Then let's form a club." "OK, but we need some more stipulations. Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let's cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips." "How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed."

I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Who did you pass on the road?" the King went on, holding out his hand to the Messenger for some more hay. "Nobody," said the Messenger. "Quite right," said the King; "this young lady saw him too. So of course Nobody walks slower than you." "I do my best," the Messenger said in a sullen tone. "I'm sure nobody walks much faster than I do!" "He can't do that," said the King, "or else he'd have been here first.

It takes a heap of sense to write good nonsense

If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

Tonstant Weader fwowed up.

The words in this book are all phooey. When you say them, your lips will make slips and back flips and your tongue may end up in Saint Looey!