Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

My dad has some depressive issues, and he's really tough on himself. So sometimes he can say things that are not super supportive. Like once I did a set, and he says, 'Sheesh, no wonder you're still single.' I was like, 'Eight ball, corner pocket, dad.'

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

What is satire if not a marriage of civil disobedience to a laugh track, a potent brew of derision and lack of respect that acts as a nettle sting on the thin skin of the humourless?

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

My father told me that if I ever did anything artistic, I was going to look like a hooker. I told him, 'With these huge boobs that I inherited from your mother, I already look like a hooker!'

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

[On writing her first poem at age eight:] An ode to my dead mother and father, who were both alive and pretty pissed off.

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!

I should, many a good day, have blown my brains out, but for the recollection that it would have given pleasure to my mother-in-law.

It's nice to see you again, Laura." "Thank you, Mrs. T-" "No, no, no. Please, my name is-" "Mud," I suggested. "Mud Barfbag Taylor. Call her Asshat for short." ~Laura, Antonia, Betsy

No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.

He decided there was no point in telling her he'd looked in the fridge and seen none of these things. There'd just be some variation of his mother's standard crack about Male Refrigeration Blindness Syndrome.

And this must be Avery?" "Oh, God, no," Cam said. "This is Candy, Mom." His mother's eyes widened and a bit of color infused her cheeks. "Uh, I'm..." "I'm Avery," I said, shooting Cam a look. "You had it right." She spun around, smacking Cam across the arm. Hard, too. "Cameron! Oh my God. I thought..." She smacked him again and he laughed. "You're terrible.

I had spent my childhood and the better part of my early adulthood trying to understand my mother. She had been an extraordinarily difficult person, spiteful and full of rage, with a temper that could flare, seemingly out of nowhere, scorching everything and everyone who got in its way. [pp. 40-41]

I always wanted an eccentric daughter . I just never realized how well my evil plans were working.

My Papa's Waltz: The whiskey on your breath Could make a small boy dizzy; But I hung on like death: Such waltzing was not easy. We romped until the pans Slid from the kitchen shelf; My mother's countenance Could not unfrown itself. The hand that held my wrist Was battered on one knuckle; At every step you missed My right ear scraped a buckle. You beat time on my head With a palm caked hard by dirt, Then waltzed me off to bed Still clinging to your shirt.

Our parents are our first oppressors.

Before I could cry or scream I whirled around and stalked to my bedroom,slamming the door behind me. I hope they all drown. "Zoey your mother and I need to speak with you." Great. Clearly they didn't drown.

It’s called Two and a Half Men,” Dermot was telling his guest. “I understand,” Bellenos said. “Because the two brothers are grown, and the son isn’t.” “I think so,” Dermot said. “Don’t you think the son is useless?” “The half? Yes. At home, we’d eat him,” Bellenos said.

My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."