Noel Fielding Quotes

Violence is not funny.

When you live in a city, as I do, where violence is really in the streets, and people die every day, there's nothing funny about it.

I was shot from the funny gun.

The funny thing about war is that people feel you need to be morally outraged. I feel morally outraged about it, and I've been doing it for long enough to feel morally outraged, because I have been in massacre scenes in West Africa, and I've been doing this for a long time now.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? "Damn I got to get the hell out of here!" "What was I thinking!"

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

My back is so scar-tissued that you couldn't find a place to slip a knife.

I had a stalker who was extremely violent. He broke into the studio with knives and I was locked in a bathroom.

My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

Beer must be made by food companies. It makes you wander the streets at 3 am looking for things to eat. "What's that, is it moving, get it!! It's a nun! Fry her!! Fry her!"

We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Witty closing remarks have been replaced by massive head trauma and severe hemorrhaging.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

When you have known the kiss of a flaying knife, a laugh loses all its power to hurt you.

An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.

Self-harm - the world will come at you with knives anyway. You do not need to beat them to it.

Never go to clubs with metal detectors. Sure it feels safe inside. But what about all those niggas waiting outside with guns? They know you ain't got one.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.