W. C. Fields Quotes

My accountant regularly asks to take me to lunch. I always say I can't afford it.

I call my lawyer and say, 'Can I ask you two questions?' He says, 'What's the second question?'

Some people use one half their ingenuity to get into debt, and the other half to avoid paying it.

I love my lawyer. I have to say that of course!

I absolutely don't have $20 billion. But I'd love to, right?

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Three reasons not to have a [spending] plan: 1. You're rich enough to buy anything you want and still have plenty of money left over. 2. I forget the other two.

What's dry?' 'Good question. Next question!

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

A dog who thinks he is a man's best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.

I'd probably say to my younger self, get yourself a whole collection of lawyers. Which is what I have now. I don't have any friends; I just have lawyers.

Rattle a lawyer's door and you get more lawyers.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

As far as the legal hassling and wrangling and posturing in Florida, I would suggest you talk to our team in Florida led by Jim Baker.

If you're filing bankruptcy, you will likely want to hire an attorney. But for debt settlement, a company is sufficient, or as I said, you can often do the legwork on your own.

A woman of fortune being used the handling of money, spends it judiciously; but a woman who gets the command of money for the first time upon her marriage, has such a gust in spending it, that she throws it away with great profusion.

What did you do?” “Well, you see, there was this pot of tea, simply sitting there…” He trailed off. “Useful thing, tea,” commented Lyall thoughtfully.

As a young kid, I wasn't really interested at that stage - getting financial advice was far from my mind. I was focused on playing football. But I got onboard with this financial adviser and I heeded his advice, and that was my smartest money decision.

No man will take counsel, but every man will take money. Therefore, money is better than counsel.

Lawyers do not mix with diplomacy.

Of course we still want to know you!" Harry said, staring at Hagrid. "You don't think anything that Skeeter cow - sorry, Professor," he added quickly, looking at Dumbledore. "I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry," said Dumbledore, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the ceiling.

Every lawyer, no matter whom they represent, is trying to help someone, whether it's a person, a corporation, a government entity, or a small or big business. To me, lawyering is the height of service - and being involved in this profession is a gift.

Don't give me paper - I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that's for life.

No problem is so big or so complicated that it can't be run away from!