Fran Lebowitz Quotes

I was an international tax specialist. Yeah, I was an international man of mystery and tax specialist.

My favorite type of pet has always been a dog. They're loyal, kind, and offer endless affection. My friend Eric says, 'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.' Funny thought.

If you want a friend, buy a dog.

Tell me a boat full of lawyers just sank.

I do believe that on a whole, women are definitely smarter than men... I also believe that dogs are smarter than women. No? That one, you don't believe it? You believe that I didn't do a series of tests? You are right to not believe it, because I'm going to go ahead and admit that I do not believe what I just said, it was what's described as a 'joke.' Um, I'll be telling a bunch of them here tonight.

At this young age I am already sold on the idea of the dog. One of God's absolutely greatest inventions and one that needs no more tinkering. The dog is the perfect beast, companion, friend, shoulder to lean on, and scapegoat when too many cookies are missing. And a dog won't hold that against you, either. I am at peace sitting in silence with a dog.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

What do you think of this" he asked, indicating the painting nearby. She gave him an odd look. "I think it's an enormous painting of a dog." He made a show of considering the picture and nodded seriously. "An astute observation.

I really never thought people would think that I was funny, I thought (my friends) thought I was funny because I was their friend, but other people would just think I was an asshole. I was at least partly right.

I'd probably say to my younger self, get yourself a whole collection of lawyers. Which is what I have now. I don't have any friends; I just have lawyers.

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

Likewise, I would never be so rude as to not interrupt a friend. How else would she know I was listening?

Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."

Rattle a lawyer's door and you get more lawyers.

The vamp in McMann’s stared at me. I guess he didn’t like the Goth look. Most of them don’t; somehow they think I’m making fun of them. Which I totally am.

I was thinking that I might fly today. Just to disprove all the things you say... please be careful with me, I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way.

I snorted "oh, beauty. What's that good for?" Mary stared, her eyes round. "It won you the prince, did it not?" I snorted again, I prefer to think that he was captivated by my charming personality." I giggled to let Mary know I was trying to make fun of myself.

I did, however, manage to do it without hurting those dogs. Very considerate of me. Don't let it be said I'm not an animal lover-that wretched kitsune aside.

Well...you're a martyr and I'm a patron saint-I can't think of anyone better!

Lawyers do not mix with diplomacy.

Of course we still want to know you!" Harry said, staring at Hagrid. "You don't think anything that Skeeter cow - sorry, Professor," he added quickly, looking at Dumbledore. "I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry," said Dumbledore, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the ceiling.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Not even a hand-stitched suit could hide a body gone ruinously to seed. I was tempted to offer some fashion advice, but I didn't think he'd welcome the news that this year, bellies are being worn inside the trousers.

I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.

He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him.